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Sunday, August 31, 2008

No laughter in this post...

I have been having nightmares. Only it's during the day and the images I'm seeing I've seen in a movie. About 7 months ago a couple friends shared at our college group about social injustice and the need for people to stand and come against this system. Wonderful night full of statistics, scriptures and pictures. I tend to be a VERY visual person, so when the pictures came up of abused children, remember that I'm 9 months pregnant and feeling very motherly, I tried very hard to separate myself from an overwhelming flood of emotions. I was trying to keep it together throughout the night, and was doing okay. That is, until they showed a clip from a movie. I will not go into it because it was very...aggressively offensive. And PLEASE hear me now- I have no ill feelings towards these friends of mine. I know they wanted to shock us into the reality of what the world is truly like outside of our Starbucks and church life. Only it was SO gruesome and showed 3 year old girls in brothels being prostituted and I lost it inside. I shut my eyes but my ears were still working unfortunately and thank goodness it was in a different language, however the overall evil-ness was portrayed even though I don't speak whatever Eastern country it was.
So as I said above- I've been having nightmares, only during the day and the images are from a movie I saw. Only a short clip really, yet 10 sec. would have been enough. Okay so to continue, the following months after seeing this I had a baby girl. She is, as you've seen in past posts, the most precious girl I've ever seen and so happy. My life thus revolved around her needs and whims. It was bliss. It all stopped when those images began to come to the surface, rear it's nasty little head at me and snarl. And as I have seen those...actors really of the 3 year olds, I have not only harbored hate towards the people who abuse these Innocent children/women, I have protected this new found emotion with apathy. I told a friend yesterday over coffee that I don't care if I go to heaven with this hate and the last thing these people deserve is Jesus. For the first time I know what it's like to hate and I feel it's completely justified. The abusers know what they're doing and thus deserve no mercy. I want them to face a death so gruesome and horrible...then go to hell where they will be tortured even more. *breath in and out Alexis.....
Now that you are up to date on the past few months with me, I must tell you about my last night. We went to church and heard our old pastor talk about bitterness and how the enemy will shock you with something and then plant the fast growing weed called bitterness. It was wonderful and was even able to hear the majority of the sermon before being paged that Emma needed me. I told God that He can have my hate, but I didn't know what I should do then. I heard Him tell me to be active in this. So last night I went on the Internet and found a website that fights child trafficking and child/women prostitution.
The depression which had been over me began to lift as I saw myself as a fighter rather than a hater.
God,
Please remind me to give you the anger and rage when these feelings begin to rise in me. I love you and even though I still don't think those people deserve You...You're ways are not my ways nor Your thoughts my thoughts. I love you and pray that you help me heal this wound. Amen.

2 comments:

Brandon K said...

I still smiled at even this post because it had a happy ending. Yes, the situations are horrible and I couldn't agree more that they don't deserve mercy... But as soon as I read it the feeling that I was wrong in my agreeing to this feeling overcame me. "See people through my eyes." rings out in my ears.

Really hard to when you see such evil in-humanity to see any one through the eyes of Jesus... Right now I am dealing with a friend that had a terrible heart break and injustice done to her and I wanna kick the sh** out of the guy. But I know that this will only lead to bitterness.. I agree that Ted's message has had the same affect on me.. I have been rethinking some things that I don't really wanna face the fact that I am wrong in this area... But I am and need it fixed...

*Sigh... Sucks to no end but brings healing in the end for everyone...

BK

Kerstin Sunshine said...

Friend, thank you for sharing your honest thoughts- how awesome to witness how God exchanged a former haert with a heart of flesh and only HE could melt that bitterness (you know that I am talking from experience!), I am proud of you w\for letting God in and giving HIM all. He made you a BRAVE EAGLE and a PROTECTOR of mankind, you know that! I love you much!!!...and could sooo udnerstand every emotion you described in your blog